British military rules

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British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 01:37

Royal Marine Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of calibre, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

SBS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:

1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on Sky.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Government with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' MPs; invite MOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

RN Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink rum
3. Deploy Marines

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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 10/6/2013, 08:07

Well you got the RAF ones right but you missed "Issue of slippers, dressing gowns and hot water bottles."

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 19:42

I didn't want to be too harsh on you delicate little petals. Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by BossHogg on 10/6/2013, 20:01

What is it Crab Air say on exercise? - oh yeah, that's right - Don't dig in - Check in!!! lazy twats!!! lol!
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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 20:11

The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.

She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?

The squaddie says, “I’d reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!”
The matelot says, “I’d reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death!”
The airman says, “I’d reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask……..
“Who the fuck has put a tent up in my hotel room?”

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 20:14

Then there's the Brylcreem, rubber soled homosexual jokes..... Very Happy

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Re: British military rules

Post by BossHogg on 10/6/2013, 20:30

and that's just the officers. Wink
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Re: British military rules

Post by Ice man on 10/6/2013, 20:33

Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Para's Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose calibre does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of calibre, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

SBS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:

1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on Sky.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Government with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' MPs; invite MOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

RN Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink rum
3. Deploy Marines

I fixed this for you
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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 20:35

Boss Hogg wrote:and that's just the officers. Wink

Yeah, RAF Officers. Wink

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Re: British military rules

Post by BossHogg on 10/6/2013, 20:38

No, all of the fuckers!!! Razz Razz Razz
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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 20:50

Ice man wrote:

I fixed this for you

No you haven't Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 20:51

Boss Hogg wrote:No, all of the fuckers!!! Razz Razz Razz

I never wore rubber soles or used Brylcreem. Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by BossHogg on 10/6/2013, 20:54

Not on duty anyway. Razz
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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 10/6/2013, 21:16

Don't know what you're talking about. Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 10/6/2013, 21:25

The Royal Navy have history.
The British Army have traditions.
The RAF have habits... Embarassed

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Re: British military rules

Post by BossHogg on 10/6/2013, 21:32

and bad ones at that!!! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 10/6/2013, 21:40

Absolutely! The RAF are like a fart in a 'phone box... Embarassed :|

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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 11/6/2013, 09:05

Boss Hogg wrote:What is it Crab Air say on exercise? - oh yeah, that's right - Don't dig in - Check in!!! lazy twats!!! lol!

Who is the more sensible? If we wanted to play silly buggers we would have joined the Army. Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 11/6/2013, 20:43

Missing The Navy Way of Life?

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that's too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes, and say "Sorry mate, wrong pit".

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water whilst you soap.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and set to HIGH.

Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.

(Mandatory for engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over your neighbour's house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned Ravioli, eaten out of the tin.

Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

Set your alarm to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.

Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.

Invite about 85 people who you don't really like to come to stay for a couple of months.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the tops of all your doors in the house. Now you will always hit your head or skin you shins when passing through.

Put lock wire on the wheel nuts of your car.

Whilst baking cakes prop one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

Every so often throw your cat in the swimming pool, or bath and shout "Man overboard!", then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

Put on the headphones from your stereo. Do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready, Sir". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your favourite shoe "steamies" and get you children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

Eat all meals from metal trays.

Every now and again tip the table during meals and watch everything slide off.

Get the wife to lay the food out and hit your hand with a ladle if you take enough to fill you up.

Get eldest child to walk in front of you every night blowing a whistle while you look in every room.

Every few months send the wife and kids away for a year, while they are away go out and get pissed, tattooed and buy them the most gash present you can find.

Befriend a complete stranger, be best mates with them for 2-and-a-half years and then never see them again.

Tell everybody you meet that your last house/job was the best one you ever had.

Prior to starting the car in morning send out the child to conduct a FOD plod. Then pipe 'Hands to Flying Stations'. Get the wife to wear white overalls and direct you off the drive way.

If your kids missbehave make them stand at the dinner table while your wife tells you what they did wrong, tell them you can deal with it but if they have been realy bad tell them you will have to get your dad to deal with them.

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 11/6/2013, 20:47

sgtpepperband wrote:Missing The Navy Way of Life?

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that's too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes, and say "Sorry mate, wrong pit".

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water whilst you soap.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and set to HIGH.

Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.

(Mandatory for engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over your neighbour's house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned Ravioli, eaten out of the tin.

Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

Set your alarm to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.

Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.

Invite about 85 people who you don't really like to come to stay for a couple of months.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the tops of all your doors in the house. Now you will always hit your head or skin you shins when passing through.

Put lock wire on the wheel nuts of your car.

Whilst baking cakes prop one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

Every so often throw your cat in the swimming pool, or bath and shout "Man overboard!", then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

Put on the headphones from your stereo. Do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready, Sir". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your favourite shoe "steamies" and get you children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

Eat all meals from metal trays.

Every now and again tip the table during meals and watch everything slide off.

Get the wife to lay the food out and hit your hand with a ladle if you take enough to fill you up.

Get eldest child to walk in front of you every night blowing a whistle while you look in every room.

Every few months send the wife and kids away for a year, while they are away go out and get pissed, tattooed and buy them the most gash present you can find.

Befriend a complete stranger, be best mates with them for 2-and-a-half years and then never see them again.

Tell everybody you meet that your last house/job was the best one you ever had.

Prior to starting the car in morning send out the child to conduct a FOD plod. Then pipe 'Hands to Flying Stations'. Get the wife to wear white overalls and direct you off the drive way.

If your kids missbehave make them stand at the dinner table while your wife tells you what they did wrong, tell them you can deal with it but if they have been realy bad tell them you will have to get your dad to deal with them.

Laughing Very Happy

That is fecking excellent!

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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 11/6/2013, 20:49

...and every word has an element of truth! Very Happy

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 11/6/2013, 20:53

Sure has dude! Very Happy

I'm printing that off as my next to do list. Laughing

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Re: British military rules

Post by Ploddarnsarf on 13/6/2013, 21:02

At least the RAF have one good idea.
They send their officers to war.

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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 22:11

Ploddarnsarf wrote:At least the RAF have one good idea.
They send their officers to war.

As does the RM. Razz

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Re: British military rules

Post by Str8lolly on 13/6/2013, 22:21

The UK hasnt been at war with any country since the 2nd world war though? (Yes, I know about the secret war in a certain Arab country that the RAF was sent to. My brother in law was sent there as a young pilot)
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Re: British military rules

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 22:31

He meant conflicts that our government gets involved in. Wink

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Re: British military rules

Post by Str8lolly on 13/6/2013, 22:42

Per Mare Per Terram wrote:He meant conflicts that our government gets involved in. Wink


They should buy the bigger condoms then
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Re: British military rules

Post by Guest on 14/6/2013, 09:18

Str8lolly wrote:The UK hasnt been at war with any country since the 2nd world war though? (Yes, I know about the secret war in a certain Arab country that the RAF was sent to. My brother in law was sent there as a young pilot)
You forgot about Korea, it was also rumoured that RAF pilots were flying for the Yanks in Vietnam.

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Re: British military rules

Post by matelots armpit on 21/6/2013, 17:36

sgtpepperband wrote:...and every word has an element of truth!   Very Happy

Yes mate brills!

Reading through some of that stuff reminded me of trying to eat scran on a minehunter that shall remain nameless.

I had only just joined the plastic tub and twasn't long before we were out doing a route survey when the weather turned for the worse. So, I'd just collected me slop from the galley and sat down at a table just big enough for six, to watch five minewarfare ratings trying to eat off plates that were skidding across the table like pig crap off a shovel. The non slip mats, indeed everything, had been stowed. Sat in the middle of the table, was a loaf of bread which had seen better days. I whipped out a slice, shoved it under my plate and ate my shrivelled rump steak. The lads looked at me and one by one, they slipped a slice under their own plates. You'd think that lads on sweepers would have thought of that one long ago. Before they'd finished eating, I'd retrieved my slice of bread from under my plate, wiped the cold ceramic clean and ate my make-shift place mat. cheers
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