Tips On How To Masturbate

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Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Guest on 13/6/2013, 11:19

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
Cool With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy

1) Read this.
2) Rub penis.

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Ploddarnsarf on 13/6/2013, 19:24

Oh shit, just read the last bit!.
Does anyone know how to remove an empty washing up bootle from my hoop!.

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 13/6/2013, 19:37

Or get the wife to strip off and toss you off whilst fingering herself. Maximum enjoyment, minimum effort. Jobs a good 'un. Wink
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by the spice girl on 13/6/2013, 20:04

Can I borrow your wife?

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 20:22

Boss Hogg wrote:Or get the wife to strip off and toss you off whilst fingering herself. Maximum enjoyment, minimum effort. Jobs a good 'un. Wink

You really are a lazy shite! Laughing

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 13/6/2013, 20:23

You're only jealous of my labour saving practices. Razz
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 20:24

@the spice girl wrote:Can I borrow your wife?

Forum wife swapping? I'm in. Very Happy

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 20:26

Boss Hogg wrote:You're only jealous of my labour saving practices. Razz

Let me try it and get back to you. Wink

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Mr Random on 13/6/2013, 21:44

and that's why your avatar was changed PMPT

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/6/2013, 22:10

Yes, it would appear so! Laughing

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Str8lolly on 13/6/2013, 22:17

Whats masturbate?
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Ploddarnsarf on 14/6/2013, 17:59

God, the Mods on here are something else!.


TRANSLATING....................................................................................


The Mods on here are all gods of men and make women weak at the knees by their very presence


Last edited by Mr Random on 14/6/2013, 18:05; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Abuse of Mod powers mainly)

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Strumpet on 15/6/2013, 15:28

@Ploddarnsarf wrote:God, the Mods on here are something else!.


TRANSLATING....................................................................................


The Mods on here are all gods of men and make women weak at the knees by their very presence




.----------


ok PMPT does it for me .........i am a shallow woman .......or is it a woman who wants a big dick......make your own mind up....

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Str8lolly on 15/6/2013, 15:36

Shame my name isnt Dick and I am a midget then.
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 15/6/2013, 16:54

Strumpet - I thank you. Very Happy

Str8lolly - If it helps, I'll happily start calling you a dick? Very Happy

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Ice man on 15/6/2013, 20:10

So your new avatar is your way to tell me to be more gentle, PMPT?
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 15/6/2013, 20:36

@Ice man wrote:So your new avatar is your way to tell me to be more gentle, PMPT?

Ask Boss, he changed my avatar! Laughing

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 15/6/2013, 21:00

@Ice man wrote:So your new avatar is your way to tell me to be more gentle, PMPT?

No, it's my way of living in hope. lol!
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 15/6/2013, 23:16

Boss Hogg wrote:

No, it's my way of living in hope. lol!

I'd better ban Mrs PMPT from speaking to you then, as she's in a position to make it happen. Laughing

Oh, and the feelings mutual btw. Razz

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 15/6/2013, 23:26

You know you don't mean it, if I didn't run this place, you wouldn't have any where to post your shite! Razz
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 15/6/2013, 23:33

Boss Hogg wrote:You know you don't mean it, if I didn't run this place, you wouldn't have any where to post your shite! Razz

If the truth be known, you're insufferable and I can't stand the sight of you! Razz

Post my "shite"? This place would have 25% less posts if it weren't for my "shite". Razz

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 15/6/2013, 23:42

How can you not stand the sight of me! youve only ever seen me once and you were travelling over a ton! lol!
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by snafu on 16/6/2013, 01:53

Boss Hogg wrote:How can you not stand the sight of me! youve only ever seen me once and you were travelling over a ton! lol!

TBF having spent a day on a training course with you i feel I can speak with some authority, he could have been passing at mach 2 in a Eurofighter Typhoon and still not liked what he saw Razz

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 16/6/2013, 04:25

You can feck off as well! Razz
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 16/6/2013, 14:04

Boss Hogg wrote:How can you not stand the sight of me! youve only ever seen me once and you were travelling over a ton! lol!

I was figuratively speaking! Razz

Seeing you once was enough, especially when you looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Laughing

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Strumpet on 16/6/2013, 14:10

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:

I was figuratively speaking! Razz

Seeing you once was enough, especially when you looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Laughing



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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 18/6/2013, 20:43

I knew there was a reason my arms were so short.

They seem to have been worn down to stumps from overuse angel Laughing.

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/6/2013, 20:51

Overuse from..... Very Happy angel

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 18/6/2013, 20:53

Smacking mods for asking stupid fucking questions - flicking her bean man!!!

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 18/6/2013, 20:56

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/6/2013, 21:04

Boss Hogg wrote:Smacking mods for asking stupid fucking questions - flicking her bean man!!!


I know that, you twat. I wanted her to say it. Razz

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by matelots armpit on 22/6/2013, 00:47

Reading this thread I've actually learned something. I honestly thought spanking the monkey was picking a fight with a Gib rock ape. Now I know why Roger the cabin boy thinks I'm weird.....hippo

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Strumpet on 22/6/2013, 05:48

@matelots armpit wrote:Reading this thread I've actually learned something. I honestly thought spanking the monkey was picking a fight with a Gib rock ape. Now I know why Roger the cabin boy thinks I'm weird.....hippo



poor Roger.................

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by matelots armpit on 22/6/2013, 10:33

Indeed Strumpet, with my background, you'd have thought I'd have master(bated) the art of the slippery hand technique by now!

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Strumpet on 23/6/2013, 06:42

@matelots armpit wrote:Indeed Strumpet, with my background, you'd have thought I'd have master(bated) the art of the slippery hand technique by now!

lol Very Happy

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by firehawk on 23/6/2013, 22:04

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by BossHogg on 23/6/2013, 23:31

What a wanker! Very Happy
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/6/2013, 23:38

Why did he need to get completely naked for a wank?

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Strumpet on 24/6/2013, 04:01

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Why did he need to get completely naked for a wank?

He's Australian any excuse to take our clothes off..................Very Happy

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Alan Marsh on 29/6/2013, 15:03



Nobody has mentioned proper etiquette!
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Alan Marsh on 2/7/2013, 23:57

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Alan Marsh on 3/7/2013, 00:16

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Alan Marsh on 3/7/2013, 00:49



Fozzie might have some background to this sequence!
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 11:03


If I didnt know PMT, I would have said it was him in that article !
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 11:04

@Alan Marsh wrote:

Fozzie might have some background to this sequence!

Thats very disturbing. I'm not sure I'll be able to watch the muppets show ever again...
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 11:46

@Airborne wrote:

If I didnt know PMT, I would have said it was him in that article !

You were the one spiking my drinks! Evil or Very Mad

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 12:34

Sorry, I must have mistaken you for a shirt lifter. Easy done !
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 12:47

You admit to looking for shirt lifters? affraid

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 13:01

Yes, for you remember !
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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 13:51

You're too kind.

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Re: Tips On How To Masturbate

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