How the British military deal with snakes...

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How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/6/2013, 22:53

Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.

Armour
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

TA
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

RAF
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornadoes, 20 Typhoons, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas say they do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

Adjutant General
Respects and values the snake's unique contribution, irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.

lol!

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Guest on 1/7/2013, 08:05

Very good, very good.clown 

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 11:50

It's shockingly accurate! Laughing

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 12:08

Yes, accurate on the Parachute Regt bit. Straight in and no poncing about like you bootnecks.
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 12:58

@Airborne wrote:Yes, accurate on the Parachute Regt bit. Straight in and no poncing about like you bootnecks.

We're only poncing about because we're having to hold your hand all the time!

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 13:39

You say that, but you were always very pleased to see us ?

Why did you get your jump wings then ?
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 13:55

@Airborne wrote:
Why did you get your jump wings then ?

To do the Op's the para's can't do. Very Happy

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 14:33

That won't be many then! Razz
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 14:39

I concur Boss Hogg.
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 14:42

The green cabbagehead has gone quiet, must be fitting some poor bastard up! Very Happy
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 14:45

Off to sulk like the spoilt prat that he is !
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Guest on 1/7/2013, 14:46

[img][/img]

[img][/img]

This is how we deal with snakes, we shoot the bastards.

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 14:50

I prefer the partial beheading method personally !
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 14:53

What? snakes or cabbageheads? lol!
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 14:56

same thing arent they ?
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 14:58

both low to the floor. Wink
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 16:03

Boss Hogg wrote:The green cabbagehead has gone quiet, must be fitting some poor bastard up! Very Happy

Some of us have to work for a living. Razz

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 16:05

@Airborne wrote:same thing arent they ?

Yes, both venomous! Very Happy

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 16:14

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:The green cabbagehead has gone quiet, must be fitting some poor bastard up! Very Happy

Some of us have to work for a living. Razz

I know your colleagues do, what about you? Razz
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 16:16

Boss Hogg wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:The green cabbagehead has gone quiet, must be fitting some poor bastard up! Very Happy

Some of us have to work for a living. Razz

I know your colleagues do, what about you? Razz

My colleagues will tell you I'm the hardest working person they know! Wink

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 16:23

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:My colleagues will tell you I'm the biggest skiver they know! Wink

EFA lol!
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 16:47

PMT, you havent done a hards day work since YO training 27 years ago !!

Tell a lie, you were of some worth when we worked in Sierra Leone.
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 1/7/2013, 16:53

Why? did he make the coffee? lol!
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 1/7/2013, 17:13

Make coffee's ? You must be joking ! We would all die of thirst before he offers !



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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/7/2013, 19:21

@Airborne wrote:Make coffee's ? You must be joking ! We would all die of thirst before he offers !




Why would I make the coffees when I could get my Sgt to do it? Rolling Eyes 

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 2/7/2013, 09:10

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
@Airborne wrote:Make coffee's ? You must be joking ! We would all die of thirst before he offers !




Why would I make the coffees when I could get my Sgt to do it? Rolling Eyes 

You would do it because its good manners perhaps ?

Did you get your sergeant to wipe your arse for you as well ?
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 2/7/2013, 09:16

No, just lick it clean! affraid
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Strumpet on 2/7/2013, 09:24

There have been a few snakes when my son was at primary school...they were told to keep an eye on it, as you want to know where it is at all times and if you can put a bucket on it.......then get a teacher.. so brave the teachers.

S
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Mr Random on 2/7/2013, 09:48

funny you should say that, my mate in your area was just about to remove a snake from under his car, a neighbor came over to see what all the fuss was

"for fucks sake don't touch it" and ran back home to call the rangers or whoever it is deals with deadly things , turns out it was something like the 3rd most poisonous snake in aus

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Strumpet on 2/7/2013, 10:00

@Mr Random wrote:funny you should say that, my mate in your area was just about to remove a snake from under his car, a neighbor came over to see what all the fuss was

"for fucks sake don't touch it" and ran back home to call the rangers or whoever it is deals with deadly things , turns out it was something like the 3rd most poisonous snake in aus

Probably a dugite ...their nasty little buggers....

S
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 2/7/2013, 10:18

Boss Hogg wrote:No, just lick it clean! affraid

Ive just been sick in my mouth !
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by BossHogg on 2/7/2013, 10:31

lol!
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Alan Marsh on 2/7/2013, 10:46

@Strumpet wrote:
Probably a dugite ...their nasty little buggers....

S

Not a trouser snake then? Laughing 
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Guest on 2/7/2013, 13:47

@Strumpet wrote:
@Mr Random wrote:funny you should say that, my mate in your area was just about to remove a snake from under his car, a neighbor came over to see what all the fuss was

"for fucks sake don't touch it" and ran back home to call the rangers or whoever it is deals with deadly things , turns out it was something like the 3rd most poisonous snake in aus

Probably a dugite ...their nasty little buggers....

S

The snake in the photograph is a Puffadder, and its a big bugger. Most snakes will try and get out of your way, a Puffadder won't, Puffadders are the cause of most human deaths due to snake bite. A day or so before we killed this snake I was watching my dogs playing when a cobra rose out of the grass, the dogs had the sense to keep away so the cobra went on its merry way.


Last edited by BritinAfrica on 2/7/2013, 14:26; edited 1 time in total

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 2/7/2013, 14:10

Puff adder. Snigger. Laughing

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 2/7/2013, 14:11

@Airborne wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:No, just lick it clean! affraid

Ive just been sick in my mouth !

You've suddenly found some morals? Rolling Eyes 

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 2/7/2013, 14:30

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Puff adder. Snigger. Laughing

What age are you ? 12 ?
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 2/7/2013, 14:30

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
@Airborne wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:No, just lick it clean! affraid

Ive just been sick in my mouth !

You've suddenly found some morals? Rolling Eyes 

I never lost mine pal !
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 2/7/2013, 19:14

You never had any to lose! Wink

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Alan Marsh on 2/7/2013, 22:52

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:You never had any to lose! Wink

Hmm.. looks like somebody has moralised his compass too!! Razz 
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 2/7/2013, 22:57

Shhh, don't let the missus hear you say that! affraid

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 11:01

Why ? Scared she'll leave you for a real man ?

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 11:47

Well she won't leave me for you then? Very Happy

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 12:33

I dont know, but we got very comfortable together on holiday last year...
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 12:48

See sat on your knee to pose for a photo. It's hardly sex. Rolling Eyes

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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Airborne on 3/7/2013, 13:01

Want to bet ?
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Re: How the British military deal with snakes...

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/7/2013, 13:57

I await the upload of this photo then fannyballs. Razz

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