A little collection...

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A little collection...

Post by Alan Marsh on 8/7/2013, 19:53

A wife was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. 
Her husband walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over at the kitchen table and they have sex.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!"


A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest tells them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the priest  ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the priest inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The priest asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible......anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome anymore at B&Q, either."


A bunch of new recruits are on the first day of training for parachute jumping, when the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."

One squaddie asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognise the faces of people on the ground."

He thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?


A husband and wife went to the fairground. 
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. 
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. 
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm bloody hurt!" she replied. "Three times I went around and you didn't wave once!"
Alan Marsh

Posts : 464
Join date : 2013-06-19
Age : 60
Location : Cumbria - the posh bit in the south!

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