"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 11:34

I was so drunk yesterday that I ended up urinating on a bouquet of flowers!

That made my mother-in-laws funeral very awkward.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 11:36

What's the difference between Uri Geller and Elton John?

One likes bending spoons and the other likes spooning benders.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:38


"Daddy, some weird girl was screaming at me and calling me every name in the book today at school!" said my 8 year old boy

"Well, what did you do to her?" I asked

"I don't know Daddy, I didn't do anything!"

"Welcome to my world" I said, glancing at his mum.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:39


The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 18 will cost the taxpayer around 3.6 million pounds.

Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:39


So the Government are going to ban internet pornography because it is 'ruining childhood'?

How about trying to download it on a 56k connection; that fucking ruined mine.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:40


I've changed my life since my wife died.

I now eat three meals a day, don't touch alcohol, go to work everyday and church on Sunday.

My only regret now was not disposing of her body before the cops pulled up.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:41


Just said to the wife, "Would you like to see Paris at night?"

She said, "Of course I would, darling."

I said, "Brilliant. Then turn ITV4 on and you'll catch the end of the Tour de France."  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:42


"Is it a boy?"

"Is it a girl?"

"Neither, it's a leech," shouted the taxpayer.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:43

So the Royal baby is a girl and they are going to name her Diana, as she came into the world just like her grandmother went out.

Speeding through a tunnel, shooting forward, covered in blood with the paparazzi outside the windows.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:43


What's the similarity between the Royal baby and Apple's iPhone?

People would queue up for days just to be the first to welcome its arrival and on the next day will realise it's the same old shit again.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:44

I hope for the royal baby's sake it's a girl.

Imagine being a baby boy and the first law passed after your birth is a block on porn. I'd have miscarried myself.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:45


Gok Wan strips random fat women down to their bra and knickers and tells them that they look beautiful, and everyone thinks he's amazing.

I do the same and I get arrested!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:46

I like everyone else woke up this morning thinking. Is It a girl? Is it a boy?

Nothing to do with the Royal baby though, more to do with a cheap hooker in Thailand.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:47

I was working on a building site today when the manager came up to me and said, "You look really hot in that jumper."

I said, "Thanks, you don't look too bad in those shorts."  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:48

I hate when people tell me their baby's exact weight when it was born. "Oh my 8 pounds 6 ounces!"

Who fucking cares, It's not like a pile of cocaine fell out of your minge.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:49


Apparently the duchess of Cambridge has gone into labour.

Had her down as more of a Tory really.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:50


As another contraction surged through her waif-like body, Kate gripped William's hand with enough power to crush a quail's egg, she squeezed her eyes shut until tears were forced out from the corners and screamed: "BASTARD!"

William glanced at the gynaecologist and asked, "Why does she want to see Harry?"  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:51

The government want to ban us from watching porn, which I'm all for if it includes stopping David Cameron fucking us all in the ass on a daily basis.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:52

I'm always very clumsy around a girl when I fancy her.

Like walking into things, muddling up my words or accidentally strangling her to death and burying her under the patio.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:52


I had a look on my Facebook account and saw that my status read "Hi Dad. I wanna suck you're cock".

"Oh my god" I thought. "My grammar is dreadful".  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:53

For the last 10 years I have made the 5 mile journey to the graveyard and paid my respects to my late wife.

I'm a strong believer in practice makes perfect. I just can't wait until she's actually fucking dead!  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:55


After careful consideration, I bought my wife absolutely nothing for her birthday.

It's the thought that counts.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:57

After assuring me these are her final words on the subject...

My wife goes ahead and continues to give me more words on the subject.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:57

We had a family outing today.

I told all our neighbours that my son was gay.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 16:59

I have no idea why everyone is moaning about the Royal baby being overdue.

If it was me, I'd be loving the chance to be stuffed up Kate Middleton's cunt for weeks.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:00

Heard my old neighbour moaning and groaning for hours last night thought the old bird had been and pulled.

Turns out she had fallen down stairs and broke her hip.

Feel a bit guilty about the wank now.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:01

Security dramas at Kensington Palace as small person is forced out of the Royal Box.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:01


I don't envy those two having a new baby. The sleepless nights, dirty nappies and the 24/7 crying. Rather them than me, so good luck...

Royal nannies.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:02

In an effort to over shadow her sister's big occasion yet again, Pippa Middleton will present the baby to the world whilst wearing crotchless knickers.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:02

Under his new pornography ban law, it's likely all pictures of David Cameron will be removed from the web, as nobody will be allowed to look at a massive cunt.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:04

I like my women how I like my cats.

Mysterious, graceful, calculating, and with their arseholes in my face.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:05

Me and my wife do a magic act together. I've just decided to add the "sawing a woman in half" trick to our act.

That means I should only get a couple of years for causing a fatal accident at work.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:05

I've had a really bad headache for a week now and I finally broke down and something for it.

A holiday.

Away from the wife.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:06


David Cameron has demanded that Google clamp down on obscene searches, he told an interviewer:

"you shouldn't provide results for some terms that are so depraved and disgusting, I can't even say them on your show."

I can see why he's so angry- he is the top result for most of the terms!  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:07

You're live on Sky News - so why are you camped out in front of a hospital waiting for a baby to be born? Because I am a brain dead fucking moron with no education and no job!  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:09

The girls on the pitch tonight are not the only ones struggling to reach a semi during their Euro 13 tournament.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:10


I was playing a game with the wife yesterday, where we name one thing that annoys each other.

My wife said 'the thing that annoys me the most is you spending loads of time in the garage,.....now what annoys you'

'your breathing....its just constant'  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:12

George Zimmerman say's he's "keeping an eye on" the royal baby and will let us know if anything seems suspicious.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:13

George Zimmerman say's he's "keeping an eye on" the royal baby and will let us know if anything seems suspicious.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:14

.... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part", I whispered into my wife's ear.

Then I rolled her body into the shallow grave and covered her in mud.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 17:15

"Wow love, that was good." Said the wife, licking her plate clean after a massive mixed grill at the local Harvester Inn. "But do you know what would make it just perfect for me?"

"Oh I don't know.." I said, staring in disgust at the fat cow,

"..Another?"  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 22/7/2013, 23:17

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Just said to the wife, "Would you like to see Paris at night?"

She said, "Of course I would, darling."

I said, "Brilliant. Then turn ITV4 on and you'll catch the end of the Tour de France."    

And they call me a cheapskate of the year.
I have news for you mine was last year - you have the title THIS year!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 22/7/2013, 23:42

PMT, you are a sick, twisted little puppy Laughing

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 11:16

@Girl*Next*Door wrote:PMT, you are a sick, twisted little puppy Laughing

These are quite minor compared with my others... Laughing Very Happy

I text Mrs PMPT all the wife/girlfriend ones. lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 11:34

@Alan Marsh wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Just said to the wife, "Would you like to see Paris at night?"

She said, "Of course I would, darling."

I said, "Brilliant. Then turn ITV4 on and you'll catch the end of the Tour de France."    

And they call me a cheapskate of the year.
I have news for you  mine was last year - you have the title THIS year!

Thanks Al, I feel honoured! Very Happy

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 23/7/2013, 12:35

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
@Alan Marsh wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Just said to the wife, "Would you like to see Paris at night?"

She said, "Of course I would, darling."

I said, "Brilliant. Then turn ITV4 on and you'll catch the end of the Tour de France."    

And they call me a cheapskate of the year.
I have news for you  mine was last year - you have the title THIS year!

Thanks Al, I feel honoured! Very Happy

You're welcome!
I have taken the wife to Paris four times - and took the mother in law the last time too.

Seen it at night twice - so just for Mrs PMPT... you cheapskate! Laughing 

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 14:55

Tomorrow's headlines 


GUARDIAN: It's a boy! 
TELEGRAPH: It's a boy!
DAILY MAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 14:57

All the girls in the club were fed up with my cheesy lines.


I probably shouldn't have smuggled the coke in under my foreskin.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 15:04

The Royal baby took so long to come out they are going to name him George Michael.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 23/7/2013, 15:07

I want my steak how I like my sex...

Two minutes and bleeding.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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