"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:51

The wife and I were walking home from the bar when a young hoodie holding a knife asked me for my wallet.

I said, "Go ahead, there's nothing in it!"

He yelled, "What do you mean there's nothing in it?"

I replied, "It's the end of the night and I'm with my wife, you do the math!"

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:52

My dad always told me that if I ever masturbated I would go blind.

So I used to do it every day, hoping I would get a dog that I always wanted.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:52

European economic pundits are getting gloomier by the day.

Now they're describing Spain's economy as having "gone completely off the rails".

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:54

I always give prostitutes a tip at the end of a session.

"Wash your minge next time!"

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:55

My girlfriend said she would like to have two children.

"Great," I said, "You can have my sister's. She fucking hates them "

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 19:58

"I wouldn't drink that Kronenberg if I were you," I said to some bloke stood at the bar last night, "It'll make your teeth fall out."

"Really?" he asked.

I said, "Yes mate, that's my pint."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 20:02

So Buckingham Palace announced the baby's gender.

I wish they'd do the same with Camilla.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 20:02

Let's be honest, the only reason Kate got pregnant in the first place is that her tits aren't worth finishing on.


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 20:03

We've been at it all day. We've tried all sort of positions. Round the back, up against a wall, in the next door neighbours garden.

But the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 20:04

Definition of "Erectile Dysfunction"

She ain't doing it properly.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 25/7/2013, 22:30

When you have kids, you learn something new every day.

Now I know that the fridge light does go off when I shut the door.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 26/7/2013, 16:52

My wife has an amazing talent for planning the most relaxing weekend getaways...

Then ruining it by including herself.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 26/7/2013, 16:55

My dick is just like a dogs nose, it's always getting in to cracks, chasing pussy and it constantly pops up unwanted at the dinner table.

lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 26/7/2013, 16:56

I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay.

Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 26/7/2013, 16:57

"Spain crash driver faces probe"

Poor guy, he's just been in a massive train wreck and now they want to stick things up his arse.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 11:36

I felt suicidal when my wife died unexpectedly.

All I could think was, "Washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking....."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 11:37

I'm a lucky man. My wife hasn't changed a bit.

Why, she still fits into the low self esteem she had when she married me 20 years ago.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 11:38

My girlfriend left me because I'm a legend.

Or to quote her, 'Arrogant'.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 11:39

I'll never understand women.

A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 11:40

I'm going on a once in a lifetime holiday tomorrow and I can't wait.

My wife's broke her leg and can't come.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 21:12

"You can't fix stupid!" shouted the missus

"I'm pretty sure I can." I thought to myself

as I covered her mouth in duct tape.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 21:13

I asked Stephen Hawking when he decided to propose to his wife.

"It was when I realised that she pushed all the right buttons," he said.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 27/7/2013, 21:15

At this rate, Nelson Mandela will be portaying Morgan Freeman's final moments.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:39

My wife got fat and not very agile. 

But she managed to fall down the stairs quicker than any of my previous wives.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:48

I was devastated when my wife was killed in a hit and run.

If only the car had been three feet to the left, her mother would also have been hit.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:50

Kidnap is such a harsh word.

I prefer the term "surprise adoption".

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:52

The Spanish train driver who crashed his train is said to be being uncooperative with officials and states that he is depressed and "just wants to die".

He's gone off the rails.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:54

My doctor is a miracle worker. I went to him about my persistent headaches and stress. He immediately prescribed me something that cured them instantly.

A divorce.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:56

My wife rang me to say that her mum had been rushed to hospital after being hit by a car.

Now I'm getting charged with evading arrest after a hit and run, and using my phone whilst driving.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:57

I had to laugh at my wife earlier tonight. 

"If I was to die in my sleep tonight darling, would you give me a decent burial?" She said.

 'If' ? Got to love her optimism.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:58

After my dog was killed by a car, all my friends said to me, "Don't worry things will get better."

They were right.

Six months later my wife died in a car accident.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 13:59

"You know what they say, loose lips sink ships..." my new girlfriend giggled in bed implying I should keep this a secret 

and judging by the size of her fanny, she wasn't fucking joking.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 14:00

My wife said "Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get angry back. How do you control your temper?"

"That's easy," I replied. "I just go and clean the toilet."

"How the fuck does that help?" she asked.

"I use your toothbrush."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 14:01

My neighbour's 18 year old daughter asked me round to help her with an internet problem.

"Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this program. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security."

"If your parents are out," I said, unzipping my jeans, "you've already done that."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 14:02

My wife and I were just about to walk into the cinema when she needed the toilet.

She said, "I need a pee, you go on and save me a seat."

She arrived to see me sitting between two fit blonde teenagers.

She moaned, "I thought I asked you to save me a seat?"

"I did," I replied, pointing to the other end of the room. "It's over there."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 14:04

"What's the worst thing that ever happened to you on a first date?" she said.

"Forgetting my Rohypnol," I replied.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 28/7/2013, 14:08

Sometimes I wish I was Jack Bauer from 24.

I don't want to be a hero, I just wish my wife was dead.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 29/7/2013, 20:54

police are hunting the "knitting needle nutter" who has stabbed six people in the back in the past 48 hours. A spokesman said he could be following some kind of pattern!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 29/7/2013, 20:55

lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 29/7/2013, 20:55

This bloke went into the Patent office, to register a new invention. He say's, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a Fottle can I register it?" The clerk replies, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" The fella say's, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a fettle is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already pal." He didn't even bother to tell him about his folding bucket.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 18:45

"Meet curvy local woman...click here".

Or just go down to your local Greggs at lunchtime.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 18:47

Last night I replaced my wife's sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.

Unfortunately it back fired on me.....

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 18:51

I came downstairs and my wife noticed blood on my t-shirt.

She said, "What happened?"

"Oh that?" I laughed. "I was shaving."

Confused, she said, "But you're still covered in hair?"

I replied, "I now, but your cat isn't!"

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 18:54

"I've got a horrible cold," complained my girlfriend. "I can't taste or smell anything."

Brilliant, I thought as I unzipped my trousers. The final two excuses for not giving me a blow job are no longer valid.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 18:55

My wife doesn't start her night shift job until nine pm.

It means I have to stay at the office for an extra four hours.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 19:00

"I'm off to bed", said my wife, "are you coming?"

"Soon", I replied, as I switched on my laptop.


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 30/7/2013, 19:04

My wife is like fine vintage wine....

In the cellar in bottles.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 12:56

Realising that my mother in law was having a heart attack, I knew that if medical help didn't arrive soon, she'd die.....

I called 111

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 12:57

My wife asked me "What you doing today"?

I said "Nothing, why"?

She said "You did that yesterday..."

"Yup, but I didn't finish".

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 18:43

I am fed up of hearing about how good women are at multi-tasking.

Have you ever known one to sit down and be quiet?

lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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