"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 20:03

I still keep in contact with my ex-wife, even though I hit her with a hammer.

The Medium who arranges it is the best in town!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 20:05

My wife said she is going to kill herself, slammed the door and ran out of the house with my air rifle.

I'm going to have to have a chat with her about this when she gets back.

I won't have doors slammed in my house!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 20:06

My wife thinks the reason I can't get an a erection after 10 years of being married may be a confidence issue. She may be right.

I'm quite confident that she'd turned into a massive fucking cow since we've been married.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 20:14

I was gutted when my wife found the two surprise tickets for a weekend in Paris in my wardrobe.

I've got to take her now instead of my secretary.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 31/7/2013, 22:34

Did you hear your mention on Dickies show Al?
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 31/7/2013, 22:38

Was he nicking our jokes and taking all the credit again? Suspect 

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 00:51

Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Was he nicking our jokes and taking all the credit again? Suspect 

Err where did YOU nick them from? Suspect  Let me know and I can ensure the source gets credited!! cheers 

Actually I sent three jokes du jour yesterday which you haven't seen here yet, and he must have saved one for tonight!

Did you hear me on the Mark Forrest show yesterday Boss? Razz 

He asked if there was a difference between a collection, and an obsession. PMPT is obviously obsessed, so I rang in, and was on air around 9.30 I think!Laughing 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 00:59

Alan Marsh wrote:
Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Was he nicking our jokes and taking all the credit again? Suspect 

Err where did YOU nick them from?  Suspect  Let me know and I can ensure the source gets credited!! cheers 

Actually I sent three jokes du jour yesterday which you haven't seen here yet, and he must have saved one for tonight!

Did you hear me on the Mark Forrest show yesterday Boss? Razz 

He asked if there was a difference between a collection, and an obsession. PMPT is obviously obsessed, so I rang in, and was on air around 9.30 I think!Laughing 

Don't you realise all of the jokes are mine that I've thought up myself? Razz Wink

I doubt you could use most of these jokes on the BBC anyway!!! lol!

I'm going to check out your own air appearance. Razz


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 1/8/2013, 01:04

Alan Marsh wrote:Did you hear me on the Mark Forrest show yesterday Boss? Razz

I didn't mate, I was on duty, I heard Nankers as I was diving home.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 01:26

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there's nobody there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there's another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there's no one standing there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 01:31

Q: Whats black and is found at the top of the stairs?
A: Stephen Hawking in a house fire

Q: Whats black and hangs from he ceiling?
A: An Irish Electrician

Q: What does it say on the bottom of Guiness bottles?
A: Open other end!

Q: What does it say at the top of an Irish step ladder?
A: STOP!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 01:36

"What are you doing for the weekend?" my mate asked.

"Spending a few days at my home away from home." I told him.

"What have you got? A little place in the country? A holiday cottage?" he asked.

"No, a secret second family."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 01:39

Death of my mother in law.

Putting the 'fun' into the funeral.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 12:59

Dorothy and Edna two senior widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy said, "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Says Edna, "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvellous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... twice!"

Dorothy gasps, "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

"No, no, no," replied Edna, "I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


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A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 1/8/2013, 13:41

How's your pogo stick Al? say hiya to Sal for me when she visits. Wink
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 13:54

Boss Hogg wrote:How's your pogo stick Al? say hiya to Sal for me when she visits.   Wink
My pogo stick is a sporty model as she stated, and gets regular use!
I can often be seen bounding up and down outside my works when the weather is fine..!

One of my customers saw it and wanted to buy it - she has now gone and got her own... and one each for her two children!!cheers 

I'm not sure that I should tell Sally that I associate with you... she thinks I am a real gentleman! Surprised 

I could send HER a link to the forum, as well as the Scottish presenter though!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 13:57

My wife said she wanted a little mink.

I told her there was only one way she would get one... the same way minks get little minks! whistle 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:06

Not sure if Nanks has read this one out yet...

Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their sales message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two salesmen still at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut once more.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude salesmen was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the salesmen said, "Madam, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:08

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.-You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law".

"The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:16

You only need two tools in your tool box - WD40 and duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40.

If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:19

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacularly good looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me."

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French twat again."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:21

I was delayed for 30 minutes on a train yesterday.

There was an ugly woman opposite me and I just couldn't climax.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:24

I once got told off for not opening the door for my girlfriend when I was on a date.

Instead I just swam to the surface.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 14:30

"Sue told me her husband has the cutest nickname for her vagina," said my missus.

"He calls it her 'furry friend', isn't that sweet? " Then she frowned and added "I wish you had a name for mine."

"I do, actually" I replied. "Spunkbucket."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 14:36

WAS THIS YOU?

IF you were a beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (15/7/13), you had caught my eye on the platform - you were laughing wearing a pink backpack and a gold headband.

We exchanged glances several times and I was finding it hard not to stare, I wanted to talk to you and hoped we could swap details... but I just lost my nerve and before I knew it we'd arrived and you were disappearing into St Pancras Underground.

I know it's a long shot but if you see this please get in touch, I'd love it if we could meet up sometime.

PS I've got your colouring book, you left it on the train.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 18:30

When Kurt Cobain was young his mother told him not to play with guns.

But it went in one ear and out the other.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 1/8/2013, 21:20

My wife asked. "can you explain to me why I found a pair of women's knickers in your jacket pocket?". I replied "Of course I can. It's because you're a nosey bastard!".
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 1/8/2013, 21:27

A man was getting changed at the gym with a work colleague - who was astonished to find him wearing suspenders!
"How long have you worn those?" the colleague asked cautiously.

"Ever since the wife found them in the back of my car!" was the reply!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 21:39

I have a love-hate thing with bacon.

I love the smell of bacon cooking.

But hate the disappointed when I find its just my wife on the sun-bed again.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 21:40

"Darling, can you remove this splinter in my bum please?" Bellowed my wife.

I did, and got £45.48p for it, couldn't market it as a harpoon though as weapons are banned on eBay.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 21:41

I'll always remember my wife's last words before she passed away.

'I'm leaving you and moving in with Kevin from work'.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 21:41

Last night I helped my wife make a deadline.

I unplugged her life support machine.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 1/8/2013, 21:42

Taking a woman up the arse is a lot like riding a motorbike.

You're highly likely to get bird shit on your helmet.

lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 13:03

After my wife's funeral I had a fabulous round of golf.

We both ended 6 under for the day.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 13:03

Me and the lads painted the town red last night.

That's 12 hours of our community service done.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 13:05

My girlfriend said to me earlier "I can't remember the last time we had sex."

Nice to know the Rohypnol still does its job.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 13:06

I said to my mate, "My wife's breasts are like my children."

He said, "You love them?"

I replied, "No, one is bigger than the other."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 22:31

All women should be like the titanic....

Goes down on the first date, swallows a load of seamen.

And you never hear from her again.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 3/8/2013, 22:32

I poured a pint and went to the smoking area to wait for my wife.

"You can't drink here", said the crematorium manager.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by The Hawkster on 4/8/2013, 18:44

1813 Women have no rights.

1913 Women fight for some rights.

2013 Women are always fucking right.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:35

I went up to a girl in a club last night and said "Is that a ladder in your tights -"

"Or a stairway to heaven?" She said cutting across me, rolling her eyes.

"Or a whale trapped in a fishing net, you fat cow."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:36

Nintendo are to release a new game about a young Scottish kid who steals, fights and swears a lot.

Wii Bastard will be out at the end of the year.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:40

My wife asked me if I would like some Viagra for our wedding anniversary.

"I won't need Viagra for you," I told her.

"Oh, that's such a nice thing to say," she smiled.

"Not really," I replied. "I've no intention of fucking you."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:41

I'm really angry at myself for getting drunk at my wedding. On the tape it shows me groping my wife's sister's boob.

I would've liked to have remembered that.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:42

My wife only has one redeeming quality.

Me.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:43

I'm more than comfortable to be a passenger when my wife wants to drive.

To show her how happy I am, I even wave to her from the bus stop.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:45

My 12 year old son needed some help in finishing his history homework.

"Daddy, when did the Great Depression begin?" he asked.

"Right after you were born son," I replied.


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 09:50

I've just done the walk of shame.

I had to walk into town with my wife.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 10:43

I invited my mates round so I could show off my sex trophies last night.

Or "children" as my wife likes to call them.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 10:44

DAILY MIRROR- Edinburgh Zoo's female giant panda Tian Tian may be pregnant

DAILY MAIL- Chinese immigrant scroungers to have baby.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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