"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 10:45

How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat???

When you start asking your wife for sex!!!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 10:46

I tied my wife up to the bed and she told me to do what pleases me the most.

I went downstairs and made a sandwich and put the football on.


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 10:55

My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet. 

She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers."

I said, "I'm not, I'm just getting used to the smell of piss."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 11:01

A policeman arrested an old drunk bloke at about 3am and asked, "Where are you going?"

The drunk replied, "I'm going to attend a lecture on the ill effects of drinking."

The policeman said, "Who holds a lecture at this time of morning?"

The drunk answered, "My wife."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 11:08

Instead of a wife, I have wi-fi....

It meets most of my needs, without all the drama.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 11/8/2013, 16:08

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.

“I’m sorry, there's no known cure for this. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amelican docttah, always want opallate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You Wait two week. It Fall off by itself!”
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by M.Angel on 13/8/2013, 12:09

Hide your kids for this one Wink

"There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on TV. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad!! They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven...baaaaad words." That's what they told us right? I bet you know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker motherfucker and tits."
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 12:33

and we use them all the time on this forum. Very Happy
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 13/8/2013, 12:43

The swearing on here is only equalled by the swearing heard on a racing yard Laughing.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/8/2013, 12:43

Yep, no children here. Wink

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by M.Angel on 13/8/2013, 12:44

Boss Hogg wrote:and we use them all the time on this forum.  Very Happy
 And even afew that aren't on that list!

Oh and I almost forgot to mention in the pet hates thread...I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:21

A woman walked into the  police station front office and approached the desk sergeant,  ''Hello madam, can I help you'', 
she replied, ''Yes I wish to report a sexual assault''.  
''Where did this happen'' asked the Sergeant. 
''In the park'' replied the woman.   
''Explain to me what happened, and can you describe the  attacker'' says the Sergeant.  
The woman replies'' I was walking through the park when this man jumped out from the bushes, pulled me behind a bush, pulled my panties down, dropped his trousers and had his wicked way with me, he was tallish and was wearing white boots, white trousers, a white shirt, and had pads on that went from his ankles up over his knees, on both legs, and he was Australian''.  
The Sergeant says, ''It sounds like a cricketer to me, probably a batsman, was it his accent that made you think he was Australian'', 
''No replies the woman,'' He wasn't in very long''.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:28

10 famous uses of the word "fuck"

1 Scattered showers my fucking arse!                                  Noah 4314BC.                             
2 How the fuck did you work that out?                                   Pythagoras 126BC 
3 You want what on the fucking ceiling?                                Michaelangelo 1566
4 Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?              General Custer 1877
5 It does fucking look like her!                                                Picasso 1926
6 Where the fuck are we?                                                      Amelia Earhart 1937
7 Any fucking idiot could understand that!                             Albert Einstein 1938
8 What the fuck was that?                                                     Mayor of Hiroshima 1945
9 I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!   JFK 1963
10. Come on, who the fuck is going to find out?                   TigerWoods 2009. 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:29

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!
 
"Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason.
 
"Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!
 
"Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse,
I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button.
 
On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tyre.
I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money.
 
Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at
the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
 
She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to
three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.
 
Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.
 
She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her
room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex
in every way imaginable.
 
It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30.
 
I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You
wanted the truth....you got it.
 
Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:31

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace'." 

The third Catholic gent says,"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" 

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, 

Slim,

Tall,

40 Double D BREASTS

24" WAIST and 

36" HIPS.

When she walks into a room, people say,

"Jesus Christ!"
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:31

Police on the M6 have just been dealing with a serious RTC involving a car and a large artic loaded with Snooker equipment.
 
 
Apparently the Cues go back for miles along the motorway,  a police spokesperson said the driver was under a Rest.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:33

Murphy goes to visit Paddy at his small farm. He searches all over but cannot find him. His last look is in the old barn which has hay bales everywhere. Murphy can hear panting and sighing coming from behind the bales so looks through a gap in the bales. Paddy is prancing around an old Ford Tractor, doing a striptease, throwing off one welly, then the next, stroking the tractor, with his backside, dropping his braces and throwing his trousers over the tractor.  Murphy has seen enough, he shouts, ''Paddy, what the hell are you doing''. Paddy replied, ''Me and the Misses have been having some problems in the bedroom department, I saw the Therapist and she told me to do something sexy to a tractor''. 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:34

A man is on a visit to Brighton and decides to visit some Antique Shops. He enters one and sees a beautiful bronze statue of a Rat, there is no price tag on it, but decides to buy it. The shop keeper tells him the Rat is £12, the story about it £100 pounds. The man says, ''I will just take the Rat and no story''. He pays his money and leaves. As he is walking towards the Pier he looks behind and sees Rats coming outof the sewers, derelict shops, everywhere, and start following him. Suddenly there are millions of Rats, squealing menacingly, following him. He panics and starts to run on the Pier to the end and throws the bronze Rat into the sea, all the other millions of Rats follow and jump into the sea and drown. He goes back into the Antique Shop and the owner says, ''Ah, you have come back for the story'', the man says ''No, have you a bronze statue of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, an illegal immigrant, a Manchester United Supporter and anything French''.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/8/2013, 23:43

Fucking fat fingers meant I pressed the minus! lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:46

Dipshit! Razz lol!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 13/8/2013, 23:49

You could do with losing a few rep points anyway! Razz lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 13/8/2013, 23:56

I can't help it if a friendly helpful HATO who looks after motorists has a better reputation than a black rat who'd nick his own family for walking on the cracks in the pavement! Razz
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 00:11

No need to get personal! lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by M.Angel on 14/8/2013, 05:48

The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 14/8/2013, 10:21

@M.Angel wrote:Hide your kids for this one Wink

"There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on TV. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad!! They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven...baaaaad words." That's what they told us right? I bet you know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker motherfucker and tits."
It has always amused me that you could go on TV and say "prick your finger" before or after the watershed, but you cannot say "finger your prick" until well after my bedtime!! Laughing 

Somebody once suggested that we should substitute the word "KILLED" with "FUCKED" so "Who killed Cock Robin?" would become "Who fucked Cock Robin?"

It makes good sense...

You ask your girlfriend, she would much rather be fucked than killed! affraid 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 11:17

@Alan Marsh wrote:
You ask your girlfriend, she would much rather be fucked than killed!  affraid 
Now that you mention it, some days I'd rather kill her. lol! Wink

Btw, you're my alibi should the worst happen Al. Wink

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 11:46

I'll forewarn her. Razz
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 12:18

I've already told her to ignore everything you say. Very Happy

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 12:29

I think she might believe me this when I print this thread off and show her!!!! Razz Razz Razz Razz
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 12:38

Go on, print it off. I dare you! Twisted Evil

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 12:46

Shall I send it to the ambulance station or post it to your boss? lol! lol!  lol!


Last edited by Boss Hogg on 22/8/2013, 18:49; edited 1 time in total
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 13:06

Which ambulance station? Who's my boss? Very Happy

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 13:55

Err, I work for the civil service, all I've got to do is pick up the phone and my control will have the information at my fingertips in 5 minutes. Wink  lol!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 14:12

There's a few of us with the same name. Very Happy

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 15:05

I'll just enclose your photos, that should do the trick. raz
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 17:01

In return, I'll send those posts of you slagging off your superiors to said superiors? Deal? Very Happy

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 14/8/2013, 17:03

It wouldn't bother them, I tell them to their face cos I'm a gobby scouse cunt. Wink
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 14/8/2013, 17:07

lol!

Fucking twatface smart arse.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by M.Angel on 16/8/2013, 06:32

*Leaves a message on PMPT's cell*

"Target has been spotted. Shall I take him out?"

Now for something completely different.

Bill: I go to aisle seventeen, there are like five *thousand* of these things. None of them say "narrow". I'm on the phone with my wife going "please let me come home! No, honey, listen to me, there's no narrow! This one has little butterflies on it! This one plays a little tune!"

Bill: Who finds them? My son. Who proceeds to scream out "HERE'S THE LITTLE GIRL NARROW PADS, DADDY!"

Bill: Thank you, son. Listen, honey, I don't think they heard you in *SCOTLAND*!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/8/2013, 12:00

My wife said I never lift a finger to help around the house.

So I lifted a finger, and used it to point her back towards the kitchen.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/8/2013, 12:01

What is the difference between a pedophile and a politician?

Politicians don't take pictures of the little people they fuck.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/8/2013, 12:04

I hate those people in this country that can't even be bothered to learn our language.

Chavs.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/8/2013, 12:06

The wife and I are really into S and M.

She's sleeping, as I'm masturbating.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 18/8/2013, 12:11

What's the difference between a wife and a crossword?

You can normally work out what you have done wrong with a crossword.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 20/8/2013, 20:49

A bloke brings his best mate home after work to meet his wife. His wife screams, " You wanker, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a complete tip, the dishes are left unwashed, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month. Why the hell did you bring him home?" 
 
The husband replies, " Because the silly twat was thinking of getting married!"
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by BossHogg on 20/8/2013, 20:51

What's the similarity between American beer and having sex in a canoe?
 
They're both fucking close to water!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by M.Angel on 22/8/2013, 17:21

Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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