"Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 19/7/2013, 15:31

Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Found it, listen from 1 hour 33 mins in:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01bttmb

Alan taking all the credit! Evil or Very Mad 

clown 

I haven't heard it yet, but this is what I sent with the joke~:

This was posted on the Online Exiles forum for naughty boys and girls is run by an ex-military policeman, with whom you are acquainted with via his emails to your show.

(He works for the Highways Agency as a Traffic Officer, driving one of those big 4x4s that look like police from a distance!!)

He lives “out west” and originally hails from Liverpool.

http://online-exiles.forumotion.co.uk/

There are a collection of serving and ex-military types, and police officers.
The banter is savage at times, but I know that you might enjoy sharing a laugh with like minded individuals, and if you know any others, then point them in that direction!
I just hope you don't frighten him off if he does turn up! angry 

lol! 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 15:35

Alan Marsh wrote:
Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Found it, listen from 1 hour 33 mins in:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01bttmb

Alan taking all the credit! Evil or Very Mad 

clown 

I haven't heard it yet, but this is what I sent with the joke~:

This was posted on the Online Exiles forum for naughty boys and girls is run by an ex-military policeman, with whom you are acquainted with via his emails to your show.

(He works for the Highways Agency as a Traffic Officer, driving one of those big 4x4s that look like police from a distance!!)

He lives “out west” and originally hails from Liverpool.

http://online-exiles.forumotion.co.uk/

There are a collection of serving and ex-military types, and police officers.
The banter is savage at times, but I know that you might enjoy sharing a laugh with like minded individuals, and if you know any others, then point them in that direction!
I just hope you don't frighten him off if he does turn up!  angry 

lol! 

Where's my mention in your email? Evil or Very Mad 

Wink clown 

Let's hope he turns up, I can't stand the bloke! Very Happy lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 19/7/2013, 15:41

One day my son decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.

Seconds after he had opened the washing machine door, he shouted to his mum, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?''

It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on the shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Liverpool FC.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And now some for the ladies at the WI to enjoy...


A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss You...'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack tells his wife as he stepped out of the shower, “what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man selfishly wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Never trust a fuckin' fairey!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No, I didn’t understand most of those either, but they certainly made my wife chuckle!!
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Alan Marsh on 19/7/2013, 15:43

Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Where's my mention in your email? Evil or Very Mad 

Wink clown 

Let's hope he turns up, I can't stand the bloke! Very Happy:lol!:

I didn't want to put him off before he even got here! Laughing 
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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 15:45

Alan Marsh wrote:
Per Mare Per Terram wrote:Where's my mention in your email? Evil or Very Mad 

Wink clown 

Let's hope he turns up, I can't stand the bloke! Very Happy:lol!:

I didn't want to put him off before he even got here!  Laughing 

Ah yes, you may have a point! lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 22:30

It's true, looks can kill.

I've just looked at my wife's naked body and it's killed any sexual desire I had.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 22:31

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 22:33

Belmarsh notice board. For sale : Toothbrush. Apply Michael Adbolajo, cell 46.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 22:35

It's encouraging to see that the England women's football team plays the style of football best suited to them.

Unattractive.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 19/7/2013, 22:37

I can see why the royal baby keeps everyone waiting.

If I were inside Kate Middleton, I wouldn't want to come out either.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:03

Still no news of the royal baby.

It looks like it's being delivered by Royal Mail.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:04

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."

She said, "Fuck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:05

My wife was about to go out and asked, "Does this make me look fat?"

I said, "That tent you're wearing? Not at all!"

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:06

My wife suggested I try out some new moves in the bedroom

and I'm guessing I did quite well because she tapped out in under 3 seconds.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:07

I'm not saying my wife's ugly but....

I got thrown out of the zoo after I handed her a hot dog.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:08

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted some whisky.

"Just give me a couple of fingers," she said.

But not, apparently, like that.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:09

Felt a bit stupid this morning, when I noticed I had one of the wife's socks on.

Still, a wank's a wank.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:11

My wife reminds me of the Venus De Milo statue.

Pretty, but not quite all there.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:33

I just got the sack from my new office job.

I'm going to take them up for unfair dismissal.

The sign read - Toilet Out Of Order, Use Floor Below.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:36


I asked my wife if she fancied trying something a bit different in bed tonight.

"Like what?" She asked.

"Well," I replied, "We could try having sex."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:37


They say, "Life's a bitch, then you marry one."

That's bullshit! My life was amazing before I got married.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:38


Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it.

I probably should have told the wife about the new electric fence.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:40


"The doctor told me that something warm and salty would be good for my tonsillitis" My wife said, as she winked at me.

Fucking hell, tonsillitis and conjunctivitis at the same time poor cow.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:40


The wife said that I needed professional help last night.

I totally agree.

So I've hired a chef and a cleaner.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:41


I have a special ringtone for my wife.

Silent.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:42


When I asked my wife for anal sex she said, "Over my dead body."

"Okay," I replied. "I'll ask the undertaker to place you face down in the coffin then."

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:43


Sex with my wife is a lot like Liverpool FC's football.

It wasn't too bad in the 80s, but now it knocks me to fucking sleep.  

lol!

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:45

I've just bought my wife a fur scarf.

It should protect me from the cold shoulder I'll be getting in the morning.  


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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:46


My neighbours daughter was crying because her boyfriend cheated on her and she asked if I could hold her. She said it would calm her down. So I did.

But after 7 days of being a hostage, things clearly weren't getting any better for her.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:47


My wife and kids have been on holiday for a week and i've had the entire house to myself.

I think my penis is going to file a restraining order against my hand.  



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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:48


My girlfriend said she'll never use Facebook again because it's for people who boast and bitch all day long.

So I got her pregnant and dumped her.Now she's got loads to boast and bitch about.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 20/7/2013, 15:49


I love having an epileptic girlfriend.

When she's giving me a handjob I put on a strobe at the end for the ultimate finish.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:30

My son asked me what the difference between a pavement and a sidewalk was:

"A firm grasp of the English language" I replied.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:32

I bought a small amount of heroin today.

Well, I gave a homeless guy a pound.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:34

Today is my wife's birthday, so I decided to take her out.

As I drove past a 5 star hotel I looked at her and said, "Shall we stop here and have lunch?"

"That would be nice." she smiled.

So I quickly pulled over and reached for the sandwiches in the glove box.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:35

I oppose gay marriage.

It's not because I'm homophobic - it's because I don't want them to ruin their sex lives by marrying.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:37


"These boots are made for walking..." said my girlfriend as she broke up with me and left my flat

"I sure hope so." I thought to myself as I locked the door behind her, "Because you left your car keys in the bedroom."  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:42


"Your never going to get to cum in my arse" She said!

So I've had a wank into my wife's hemroid cream.

Where there's a will and all that.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:42


I had been looking at an attractive blonde all night in the nightclub. As she made her way out of the toilets I decided to make an approach.

"You remind me of an angel," I said.

"Aw, thanks," she smiled, "Because I fell from heaven?"

"No, because I can see your wings," I replied, pointing at her hotpants.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:44

My paedophile friend auditioned to play double bass for the orchestra the other day, I'm surprised nobody realised he was a fiddler.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:45


I was fined 200 Euros after landing in Paris because I carried too much of weight.

I'll never travel with my wife anymore.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:46


Some of us have got wives who've got the kind of faces that say everything even when they say nothing ...

And right now everything on my wife's face says "I'm dead", I reflected happily, as I gazed into the coffin.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:46


I took my girlfriend out for dinner at a restaurant last night.

"I can't have sex today," she said, "I'm not in the the mood."

"What a coincidence," I said, "I'm not in the mood too."

"For sex?" she asked.

"No, to pay the bill," I replied.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 01:48


The dog bit my wife again so I decided to have the poor old bastard euthanised

I'm gonna miss her cooking.  

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 23:09

What's red and doesn't work?

The panic alarm button in Michael Adebolajo's cell.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 23:09

What's white and works overtime?

Nelson Mandela's life support machine.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 23:10

My wife wants to bring in a marriage councillor to help with ailing sex life.

I hope she's got big tits and lets me do anal.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 23:11

I struggled with depression for 13 years.

Then I got divorced.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 21/7/2013, 23:13

My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 22/7/2013, 11:33

When I was a child this priest told me I was the cutest looking boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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Re: "Another one for you all to laugh at!" Version II.

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