Rules of life

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Rules of life

Post by Str8lolly on 6/8/2013, 20:11

I have three rules of life.

1. Never date a woman who asks how much you earn before the date.
2. Never drink the water.
3. Only use a Motorway when theres no other option.

So whats your rules of life. Only three, not a great long list! Very Happy 
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 20:15

I'd be fucked with rule number 3, I wouldn't have a job or anywhere to sleep!!! Very Happy
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Str8lolly on 6/8/2013, 20:23

Boss Hogg wrote:I'd be fucked with rule number 3, I wouldn't have a job or anywhere to sleep!!! Very Happy


So your rule number 3 is Always use a motorway so the boss can sleep?
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 20:30

Or find an alternative route so you don't disturb my sleep. Wink
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 20:31

1. Don't believe what you're told. Double check.

2. The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person - if you must.There is no third best.

3. Never apologise. It's a sign of weakness.

4. Never take anything for granted.

5. Never go anywhere without a knife.

6. Never date a colleague.

7. If someone thinks they have the upper-hand.…break it!

8. Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live.

9. There is no such thing as coincidence.

10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

11. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 20:32

Boss Hogg wrote:I'd be fucked with rule number 3, I wouldn't have a job or anywhere to sleep!!! Very Happy

lol! lol!

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Alan Marsh on 6/8/2013, 20:35

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor

Hoyles Law: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces

Coles Law:  Finely chopped cabbage, onion and carrot in Mayonnaise!
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 20:37

@Alan Marsh wrote:Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor
I've been that paralytic in Germany on Warsteiner, I nearly fell off the floor!!! Embarassed
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Stevie6544 on 6/8/2013, 20:49

1. Sod's law : Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong

2. 'If there is doubt, then there is no doubt' - Ronin

3. Trust your instincts - always

4. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of saying, 'it's time to go home'

5. If you want something done right, do it yourself

6. Treat all people as bastards until the opposite is proved


And - not really a rule for life, but I have always found it a true observation:

"I love mankind - it's people I can't stand" - Linus, Peanuts
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 20:52

Similar thing to me Stevie, I love the town where I live, I just fucking hate the residents. Wink
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Stevie6544 on 6/8/2013, 20:57

Aye - like some of the jobs I've had, they'd have been great if it weren't for the bloody customers.
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 21:03

Boss Hogg wrote:Similar thing to me Stevie, I love the town where I live, I just fucking hate the residents. Wink

I solved that issue by moving out into the countryside. Wink My nearest neighbour is 1/4 of a mile away and he's a farmer. lol!

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 22:10

I fucking hate farmers with their slow as fuck smelly fucking tractors!!!   
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Str8lolly on 6/8/2013, 22:17

I have just found out that I fucking love farmers with their slow as fuck smelly tractors. I love you 
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 22:20

fuck off farmer boi!!! raz  lol!
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:25

Boss Hogg wrote:I fucking hate farmers with their slow as fuck smelly fucking tractors!!!   

I'd much rather a farmer than a council estate chav/asbo family. Wink

Leave the farmers alone, they clear the lane when it snows and sell nice fresh eggs & milk. Razz

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Str8lolly on 6/8/2013, 22:32

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:I fucking hate farmers with their slow as fuck smelly fucking tractors!!!   

I'd much rather a farmer than a council estate chav/asbo family. Wink

Leave the farmers alone, they clear the lane when it snows and sell nice fresh eggs & milk. Razz


I would much rather a farmers daughter than a farmer.
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 6/8/2013, 22:36

Rules for life? Not many really.

Enjoy it while you can, don't piss off your friends too often or they might just disappear on you when you need them most and if you really must piss somebody off, do a good job of it and make sure they'll never forget it Wink.

Lastly, if anyone tries to walk all over you, let them know that although their boots were made for walking, yours were made for kicking arses and bollocks Razz.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 6/8/2013, 22:37

@Str8lolly wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:I fucking hate farmers with their slow as fuck smelly fucking tractors!!!   

I'd much rather a farmer than a council estate chav/asbo family. Wink

Leave the farmers alone, they clear the lane when it snows and sell nice fresh eggs & milk. Razz


I would much rather a farmers daughter than a farmer.

You wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen some of the farmers daughters I've seen affraid Laughing.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:37

@Str8lolly wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:I fucking hate farmers with their slow as fuck smelly fucking tractors!!!   

I'd much rather a farmer than a council estate chav/asbo family. Wink

Leave the farmers alone, they clear the lane when it snows and sell nice fresh eggs & milk. Razz


I would much rather a farmers daughter than a farmer.

Hence why I said farmers. Wink Farmers wife/daughter/sister/mother. Very Happy

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 22:37

Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumb wub
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:38

@Girl*Next*Door wrote:Rules for life? Not many really.

Enjoy it while you can, don't piss off your friends too often or they might just disappear on you when you need them most and if you really must piss somebody off, do a good job of it and make sure they'll never forget it Wink.

Lastly, if anyone tries to walk all over you, let them know that although their boots were made for walking, yours were made for kicking arses and bollocks Razz.

I love a fiesty wimens. Wink

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:39

@Girl*Next*Door wrote:
@Str8lolly wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:

I'd much rather a farmer than a council estate chav/asbo family. Wink

Leave the farmers alone, they clear the lane when it snows and sell nice fresh eggs & milk. Razz


I would much rather a farmers daughter than a farmer.

You wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen some of the farmers daughters I've seen affraid Laughing.

Yeah, some are a bit butch! Laughing

Must be all that bale and feed lifting. Wink

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:40

Boss Hogg wrote:Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumbwub

You mean she kept your dick warm? lol!

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 6/8/2013, 22:43

Feisty? I can be a little bitch when pushed, not often though. Somebody has to be a real twat for that to happen, even worse than you PMT raz

As for farmers daughters, butch isn't the word for it. I swear some of them have actually got testicles Shocked Laughing.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 6/8/2013, 22:44

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumbwub

You mean she kept your dick warm? lol!

I think that is what he meant, he just put it much more pleasantly than you did rofl Laughing

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 22:48

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumbwub

You mean she kept your dick warm? lol!


Same thing. thumb
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 22:51

@Girl*Next*Door wrote:I swear some of them have actually got testicles Shocked Laughing.

She did - mine on her chin. Wink
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 6/8/2013, 22:52

Boss Hogg wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumbwub

You mean she kept your dick warm? lol!


Same thing.  thumb

I didn't think Germans liked small frozen sausage? Wink

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 6/8/2013, 22:53

Filth! rofl rofl

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 6/8/2013, 23:13

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:
@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:
Boss Hogg wrote:Oh yes! I remember one very well, Schlosh Newhaus near Sennelager November 1988, we were using a farmers barn as an exercise HQ, the farmers daughter kept this frozen RMP NCO warm on quite a few occasions during the 3 week exercise. thumbwub

You mean she kept your dick warm? lol!


Same thing.  thumb

I didn't think Germans liked small frozen sausage? Wink

It wasn't small or frozen by the time her expert warm mouth got to work.
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 9/8/2013, 22:33

Hmmmm, new rule of life learned today.

Never put yourself between a horse and a thick twat. Particularly when said thick twat is walking out of a stable with her horse who is known to bite and is a vicious little sod. The stupid, idiotic girl concerned thought it was acceptable to be on her mobile phone as she was leading her horse out of his stable (she is supposed to check for people and horses and warn anyone who is around before she brings him in or out due to how vile he can be). That would have been fine had me and my horse not been passing on our way to my horse's stable. This girl's horse decided to have a go and snaked his neck, landing a nasty bite on my horse's hindquarters. 
Cue my horse flipping out, swinging her bum round, turning her shoulder in and nailing me to a wall while she (unsurprisingly) throws a fit out of fright and panic. 

Two bruised thighs, quite badly bruised ribs and hipbones and a painful wrist later, I am rather peeved with the silly cow who caused it! 

Honestly, you'd think common sense was a given but it appears to be becoming more and more of a privilege rather than something that comes naturally to somebody!

I'm also peeved because it's put a stop to me riding for the next few days. Also, it really does bloody hurt, stupid silly cow Evil or Very Mad.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 22:42

I hope you "had words" with the idiot!

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Mr Random on 9/8/2013, 22:44

horses bite? everyday's a school day

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 22:53

@Mr Random wrote:horses bite? everyday's a school day
Every animal bites.... Razz

A horse bite is pretty fucking sore!!!

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Mr Random on 9/8/2013, 22:55

logically I know that but just never thought of it, I one saw a horse eating a cornetto that was an experience in it's self

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 9/8/2013, 23:15

@Per Mare Per Terram wrote:I hope you "had words" with the idiot!
I'm leaving my yard owner to do that, the yard is run on a 'three strikes and you're out' rule. Not sure if she has had warnings prior to this but I know my yard owner will go mad because there are children and ponies on the yard, youngest of the children is 8, had it been one of them with their pony, they wouldn't have stood a chance so for that reason, I'm glad it was me.

I just could have done without twatty owner shouting at me to let my horse go. If I'd let her go she'd either have bolted out to the car park and/or down the drive to be met with electric metal gates that open and close very slowly, on the other side is a main road.
Or she'd have gone the other way and hemmed herself in to a ten foot wide gangway with a wall on one side and snappy bastard horse on the other.

I ignored her, hung on to my horse for dear life and was talking to her (my horse) in the hope it would calm her down (it did, eventually). If she was a spiteful horse then I'd have been on the deck with a kick or four because she was kicking out at this horse behind her. Thankfully she isn't.

If I hadn't been so shaky and weird feeling afterwards, I'd have bloody well swung for her when she walked in to the tack room after it had calmed down and said "oh well, at least nobody was really hurt."

Oh no, just me with ribs so bruised it hurts to breathe and bruises on the rest of me that will no doubt come up all the colours of the rainbow. Scarily, this is a girl who has been around horses since she was a child. I have no idea how she has survived this long because as reliable as my horse is, I'd never have her in one hand and my phone in the other.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 9/8/2013, 23:17

@Mr Random wrote:logically I know that but just never thought of it, I one saw a horse eating a cornetto that was an experience in it's self
You should watch a horse drinking a pint of beer. For some reason, most horses go mental for beer Laughing It's quite an amusing sight! Very Happy.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 23:24

I prefer to feed them with Polo mints. Wink

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 9/8/2013, 23:31

Admittedly, it is a waste of good beer Laughing.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 9/8/2013, 23:37

I'm willing to take one for the team and offer my services as the forum first aid trainer and offer to kiss it better from head to foot. Wink lol!
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Per Mare Per Terram on 9/8/2013, 23:39

Why do you want to kiss a horse all over? Wink Razz

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Girl*Next*Door on 9/8/2013, 23:49

Boss Hogg wrote:I'm willing to take one for the team and offer my services as the forum first aid trainer and offer to kiss it better from head to foot.  Wink lol!
You're all heart Boss Razz Add in a rub better as well and you're on lol! Razz Laughing.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 9/8/2013, 23:53

It's a deal, and as its you - I'll warm my hands first. Wink
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Alan Marsh on 10/8/2013, 02:38

I have been bitten by a horse as I went to stroke it's neck - luckily I was wearing a leather motorcycle jacket, but I still had a big bruise on my upper arm!

The girl whose horse it was said this was a sign that it liked me!
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 10/8/2013, 07:32

We had a 19 hands grey stallion police horse at Aldershot when I was there in the 80s, it was fucking evil, you'd give it an apple and once it has taken it off you, it would then try to bite your fingers off! affraid
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Re: Rules of life

Post by the spice girl on 10/8/2013, 10:36

some horse owners give thier horse a can of guiness for Xmas of whatever the special occasion is. good for thier coat in small doses. I'm still struggling to believe that random didn't know that horses bite.

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Re: Rules of life

Post by Alan Marsh on 10/8/2013, 10:42

@the spice girl wrote:some horse owners give their horse a can of Guinness for Xmas of whatever the special occasion is. good for their coat in small doses. I'm still struggling to believe that random didn't know that horses bite.
He's obviously led a sheltered life... he'll be telling us next that he didn't know pigs have corkscrew shaped penises! Razz 
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Re: Rules of life

Post by BossHogg on 10/8/2013, 10:50

Or tom cats had barbs on their cocks which cause the she cats to scream in pain when they're getting rogered, and no PMPT, you do not get the same effect. Razz
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Re: Rules of life

Post by Mr Random on 10/8/2013, 12:10

it wasn't that I didn't know, I'd had a brainfart it's not my first and won't be my last, I'm now off to see what flavour this window is

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Nothing I say should be listened to I'm full of shit and not the Messiah, in fact I'm a very naughty boy, nope wait I'm Spartacus, nope I'm Batman, nope I'm defiantly a naughty boy, however if I'm a cunt towards you the odds are it's cause I like you

I'm dyslexic and not up my own arse so if I pick you up on spelling then you've fucked up bigtime

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Re: Rules of life

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