Jokes du Jour

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Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 7/8/2013, 10:55

A Soldier's Death

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President George Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"




The Hunters

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day……Ted went with Billy-Bob and Bert went with Roy. Much later that night, Ted returned to the camp alone and he was dragging a 300 pound ten-point buck. "Where's Billy-Bob?" asked Bert.

"He had a stroke of some kind while we were dragging the deer," said an exhausted Ted. "He's about three miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy-Bob out there and dragged the deer back?" asked Bert.

"Yes I did," nodded Ted. "And it was a tough call too, but then I figured no one will steal Billy-Bob."



Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


Dinner

Before leaving for her weekly Bingo game, eighty-year-old Myrtle prepared supper for her eighty-five-year-old spouse Jack. She was also boiling a pot full of sponges to clean them for future use.

As she was leaving she yelled, "Jack, your supper is ready. I'm off to my Bingo game. Don't forget to turn the stove off."

When Myrtle arrived home she went to remove the sponges but found the pot empty.

"Jack, did you empty the large pot?" she asked.

"Yes," said Jack. "And I must say those dumplings didn't have much taste to them, but boy……did they ever sop up the gravy."



Cutting In Line

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"


A Husband's Response

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."


Shutterbug At Dinner

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."


Report Card

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."


Musical Birthday

David bought his wife a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, his friend Bill asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said David, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" Bill asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing..."


Pretty Girls

Bob was retired and loved to sit in front of his house and watch the young girls walk by. Then he developed heart trouble and had to have a pacemaker implanted.

He still enjoys sitting in the front of his house and watching the girls, only now whenever he an especially pretty one goes by, his pacemaker makes the garage door go up.


Lincoln

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States!"


Visiting Grandma

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

To which Grandma replied, "You're not coming empty handed, are you?"
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Ploddarnsarf on 7/8/2013, 19:34

Pass me something sharp lol.

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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by BossHogg on 7/8/2013, 19:44



lol!
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by BossHogg on 9/8/2013, 00:55

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me....I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said 'What a coincidence.'


Last edited by Boss Hogg on 9/8/2013, 07:54; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 07:39

lol! 

Formatting is a bit wonky there.

I wonder if Nankivell would get that one passed...?
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by BossHogg on 9/8/2013, 07:46

formatting is like that as I cut and pasted using my phone. Wink
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by BossHogg on 9/8/2013, 07:54

any better?
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 09:33

Boss Hogg wrote:any better?
Great!

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 09:35

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun suck me off."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." Said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun said, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween Party and my name is Kevin."
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 09:41

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.

In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 10:31

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
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Re: Jokes du Jour

Post by Alan Marsh on 9/8/2013, 10:34

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was still single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give £1 million or my the hand of my daughter in marriage to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool, swimming with all he had.
The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side... unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, the hand of my daughter or the £1 million?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the fucking bastard that pushed me in!"
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